April 23, 2019

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bitchslap, Judge Houdini, fantasy football busts for 2016 NFL season

Bitchslap! Installment 1 of 4 (2016)

Posted by d-Rx on 10/08/16

by   The Archer


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Installment 1 of 4



We are four weeks into the NFL season, which is a time for reflection. There have been many goods things to reflect on so far this fantasy season, but screw the good times; it’s time for BITCHSLAP!!! For those of you who are new to this, I examine the fantasy season in four 4-week segments, and take to task the players that were highly drafted and have completely underperformed during this time frame. I line them up and give em’ a good ole BITCHSLAP!!! There is no carry over in BITCHSLAP!!!  When I come out with my next installment four weeks from now, I will only be looking at the stats from Week 5-8. This is a fun way to let out some frustrations on the players that have ruined your Sunday’s over the past 4 weeks, and hopefully spur them on to bigger and better things so they don’t end up in installment two. The final and most important element of the shaming is for any player(s) who winds up in each and every installment of BITCHSLAP!!! as they will be awarded with the Golden Sombrero BITCHSLAP!!! Also known as the GSBS!!! Last season Eddie Lacy, Alfred Morris, Jordan Cameron and C.J. Anderson were all winners of the GSBS!!! Who will it be this year?






Russell you were supposed to build on the fantastic end to last season and blow it up this year. The only things you have blown up have been fantasy wins. You scored a pathetic 37.5 fantasy points over your first three games, with only two touchdown passes. You are already banged up and now your owners have no running attack to count on. You rank 20th in fantasy points per game and that is with your strong performance in Week 4. You have a bye in Week 5, but that is really just so you can recover from this BITCHSLAP!!!



After your first two games of the season I figured there was no way you would be on this list. At that time you were averaging 21.6 fantasy points per game, but then you fell flat on your face scoring a total of 15 points over your last two games. You are taking a lot of hits in the pocket, and now you are taking a hit from this BITCHSLAP!!!



Eli, do you realize that your 13.3 fantasy points per game ranks 28th in the league and that you are averaging fewer points per game than Blaine Gabbert? Well ya are, and well that sucks!!! Watching you play I feel bad for Peyton on Sunday Morning, but good thing he has all the games to watch so he doesn’t have to see your poor play, or this BITCHSLAP!!!



Fitzmagic you made off with a lot of money and then did a disappearing act with fantasy points. You have already thrown 10 interceptions on the year, and scored negative 2.3 fantasy points in Week 3. You are ranked 32nd in the league in average fantasy points per game with a pitiable 10.7pts. You are only completing 55.8% of your passes, but you are 100% receiving a BITCHSLAP!!!






Lamar you have not gotten off to the hot start that your owners were hoping for when you signed with Houston. At least the only thing you are really doing wrong is not scoring touchdowns. You have over 100 total yards in three of four games, and have rushed for over 80 yards in each game, but you need to find the endzone. Let’s hope you get a feeling for the endzone after your face regains feeling from this come back to touchdown life BITCHSLAP!!!



Todd you have not lived up to first round draft pick expectations this season, scoring just two touchdowns that both came in Week 3. Other than that game you have failed to score more than 8.2 fantasy points in any other game. I know that teams are stacking the line against you, but you are supposed to be able to overcome. I will help you overcome your demons with this BITCHSLAP!!!



Latavius you have had all the benefits that you should not have been here, scoring a touchdown in each of your first three games, but that was about all you did. You scored your best against the Saints and Falcons, two world-class defenses there, and averaged 6.6 fantasy points per game against the Ravens and Titans. You were scoring touchdowns, but not getting touches, and now you are going to miss next week’s game with a toe injury, but we all know its from the pain and shaming of this BITCHSLAP!!!



Gio you are reminding me of the Geo Metro the way you have started out this season. Watching your fantasy production is like listening to the glory of that three-cylinder engine. You have puttered along this season, scoring less than five fantasy points in three of four games. You have not been worthy of starting, and would become worthy of dropping except for the fact that you are a quick injury away from being the main man in Cincy. Unfortunately the only quick injury around these parts comes courtesy of a BITCHSLAP!!!



You only played in two games during this stanza, and wow, they were displays of pitifulness, scoring a total of 6.6 fantasy points. The last game you played in rushing seven times for negative seven yards was a fantasy nightmare. The worst part of this nightmare is that you have likely lost your starting job to Christine Michael, or at least will be sharing a whole lot of carries with him when you get back, so you better toughen up with this BITCHSLAP!!!





ARob, you are off to a slow start and have robbed your owners of wins this year. You have yet to have a breakout game, with fewer than 57 yards in three games and high yardage week of only 72 yards. You have at least started to come out of it in the last two weeks with three touchdowns, but that lack of yardage gives your owners a lack of fantasy production with those scores, and scores you a big ole BITCHSLAP!!!



You started of the season with a boom, scoring 27.4 fantasy points in the season opener, highlighted by a 98-yard catch and run for a touchdown. Since then you have been about as poor a start as there have been in fantasy, averaging 3.9 fantasy points per game over your last three. You are supposed to be in a highflying offense, but the only thing flying high around here is your BITCHSLAP!!!



Nuke we all thought you were off to a slow start over the first two weeks when you were scoring but not dominating, averaging 14.4 fantasy points per game. Since then you have been virtually invisible in the offense, catching just five passes for 60 yards over your last two games. That type of production has driven your owners to the point of insanity where the only thing that will give them relief is giving you this BITCHSLAP!!!



Amari you started off the season strong, catching six passes for 137 yards in the season opener, but you have only averaged 60 yards per game since. The biggest problem with your game is that you are not scoring touchdowns, while Michael Crabtree caught three in Week 4. You have relinquished the role of top receiver to Crabtree and taken on the role of the receiver getting a BITCHSLAP!!!



You came out of the gate quick with 201 receiving yards through your first two games, but then you only managed 70 and 46 yards over your last two games. The one constant for you this season has been not being able to find the endzone. You can blame it on Cutler getting hurt and have Brian Hoyer at quarterback, but they are basically the same statistically so I am not buying it. You have one of the largest throwing areas with your leaping ability and length, so you are sure to catch this BITCHSLAP!!!



BMarsh, you have been up and down all season, but the ups have not been that high and lows have been low. You are averaging 12.5 fantasy points per game in even numbered weeks, 3.0 fantasy points per game in odd numbered weeks, and overall that is only 7.7 fantasy points per week which ranks you 37th in the league. You finally caught your first touchdown in Week 4, but you also still caught this BITCHSLAP!!!



Odell you are the guy people want when you are on fire, but you look like a down and out teenager who just had his computer taken away from him when I see you on the sidelines this year. I get it; you have only scored more than 10 fantasy points in a week once this year, and have yet to find the endzone. Your performance this year has made your owners give your same pouty face, so maybe this will get you going and them smiling when I give you this BITCHSLAP!!!



Jeremy you have had a real ho-hum start to the year. You have been consistent, but that does not mean good. You have only scored more than 10 fantasy points once, and that came in Week 1. Since then you have averaged only 6.0 fantasy points per week. There have been no big splash games, so the biggest splash I can make is with a BITCHSLAP!!!



Dez it is another year and another disappointing start to the fantasy season. You are dinged up again, but you did play in three games…at least I think you played in three games, but who could tell when you score a total of 21 fantasy points. You had one 100-yard game, and then combined for 48 yards in the other two. You missed an MRI, so you screwed over your owners who might have picked up a replacement. For that as well as your poor play you get this well deserved Desbian BITCHSLAP!!!



Michael you have scored two touchdowns this year, which should be almost enough to keep you off my list, but when you average 42 yards per game you are not going to score a lot of fantasy points. Larry Fitzgerald looks like a rookie and you look like you know what’s coming…BITCHSLAP!!!



You had a measly 92 receiving yards over your first three games, so even though you posted 144 yards in Week 4 it was not going to save you, especially without scoring a touchdown. In fact you have not scored a regular season touchdown since Week 11 of last season. You, like Michael Floyd, were supposed to be the top two receivers for the Cardinals and instead you are two of a kind BITCHSLAP!!!






Gronk, you missed the first two games and gave no indication that you would miss those games in the preseason, screwing over all those team who grabbed you in the first round. Then you come back, and in two games have posted a total stat line of 1-11-0. Those numbers are correct, just one catch for 11 yards. I don’t care that Brady was not there, that is not what is expected of you. This is an easy decision to dull you out this wake and become Gronk again BITCHSLAP!!!



Coby, you were supposed to thrive in this tight end friendly offense with Drew Brees at the helm, and you have given your owners one glimpse of that and three glimpses of complete putridness. In those three duds you totaled 5.4 fantasy points, an astounding 1.8 fantasy points per game average. Maybe you should stop drinking Hurricanes and get back to practice with this Big Easy BITCHSLAP!!!



Mr. Gates, you have had a long an illustrious career, but it looks like the end is near. You only played in the first two games and put up a paltry six catches for 35 yards with one touchdown. You are dealing with injuries and father time, so here’s to keeping the father at bay with this fountain of youth BITCHSLAP!!!



Everyone thought you were going to be a big beneficiary of Dak Prescott taking over at quarterback, being an easier read for the rookie, but you have only two games with more than 50 yards, with a high yardage mark of 66 and no touchdowns. Dez is missing time and you are allowing guys like Brice Butler to make an impact. Now it’s time for me to make an impact with this BITCHSLAP!!!



Gary you were taken with the expectations that you would build on the success of last season, and you gave your owners a grim sign of what was to come with your goose egg in Week 1. You have averaged only 53 yards per game since then, and have yet to find the endzone. You have become a check down receiver who is not doing much after the catch. With the lack of talent around you, you should be shinning brighter, but the only thing shinning bright will be your face from this BITCHSLAP!!!



By: Houdini


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