April 23, 2019

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Judge houdini is back with Installment 2 of the Bitchslap!!! article!

Bitchslap! Installment 2 of 4 (2016)

Posted by d-Rx on 11/15/16

by   The Archer


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Eli, it’s your second time here, and it looked like you had a good chance to avoid the pain this go around when you threw for 403 yards with three touchdowns and two interceptions in Week 6. Unfortunately in Week’s five and seven you threw for a total of 395 yards with one touchdown and no interceptions. You have shown the propensity to have the big game, but you are throwing around way too many crap shows. Your owners deserve better, and from me they demand I give you this BITCHSLAP!!!



Russell you were especially worthless during this stanza. You played in three games, and failed to throw or score a touchdown in each game. You finished with an average of 249 passing yards per game with no touchdowns and one interception. You were a world-beater last season, and this season you have been a mighty anchor. For that I am going to drop anchor and this BITCHSLAP!!!



Fitzmagic you are not this season, and this second stanza was just as bad as the first. The good news is you only threw one interception in four games, but the bad news is you only threw three touchdowns in four games. On top of that you did not help you owners out with any yards, in fact you threw for an average of 194 yards per game with a high game of 255 yards and a low game of 120 yards. I plan to gain some major yardage when I reach back and give you this BITCHSLAP!!!






Lamar you had a huge game in Week 6 with 178 total yards and two touchdowns. Your totals for Weeks 5, 7 and 8 were a paltry 154 total yards with one touchdown. You were very highly drafted this season, and you have very seriously underperformed. Your owners can’t bench you because of your potential, I know this because I am one, so I am going to do the only thing I can which is drop back and lay the hammer to you with this BITCHSLAP!!!



Todd it has been a disastrous season for you, and it doesn’t seem to matter what the week because the outcome is always the same. You get about 90 total yards and score a touchdown once every four weeks. You were the #1 overall pick for many owners this season, and while you have been consistent, you have not been good. I understand that you are on a horrible offense and defenses are doing everything to stop you, but you need to rise up and overcome these obstacles because if you don’t you will continue to get hit with a BITCHSLAP!!!






Brandon you had a nice game in Week 5 with eight catches for 114 yards and a touchdown, but in the follow three weeks you totaled 10 catches for 177 yards with no touchdowns. You have had just one 100-yard game and one touchdown in each of the four-week stanzas claiming you spot in each of these lists with your consistent bad performances. The only good thing is I get to work on my technique…check out this textbook BITCHSLAP!!!



Alshon you have beaten the odds and made it to this list twice while playing for a new contract. All I can tell you is that if you end up here all season your contract will be pretty shitty. You numbers in this last period were not total shit, but an average of five catches for 66 yards per game with one touchdown in four games is not what owners expected when they drafted you as highly as they did. You are playing for a new contract and to get the hell out of Chicago, so let me get you there faster with your second BITCHSLAP!!!



Johnny my boy it has not been a good season for you. You played in three games this period and had a total of 10 catches for 114 yards and one touchdown. Beside the touchdown you did not one bit of good for your fantasy owners with games of 11, 49 and 54 yards. Nothing has seemed to go right for you this season and it seems like a nightmare, but that is nothing compared to the nightmares you will have after this BITCHSLAP!!!



ARob you have robbed your owners of wins all season, and your three games in this last stanza were more fuel for their fire. You caught one touchdown and had receiving games of 9, 70 and 76 yards. In fact, you were targeted 34 times but only caught 15 passes. You are getting the targets but not the connections. You need to be more like me because I am now two for two on you with this BITCHSLAP!!!



Hey Floyd, are you still playing football? I couldn’t tell after the stats you put up in your last four games. You totaled a measly seven receptions for 87 yards with one touchdown. The worst part is that had a big fat GOOSE EGG in Weeks 5 and 8. Way to go bookending this stanza with two complete dumpers of games. It should be no surprise that I am going to dump you on your ass with this BITCHSLAP!!!






Coby you keep trying to do just enough to stay out of my crosshairs, but one good game every four weeks is not going to get it done. In this stanza you only played in three games, and you looked good in Week 6 with six catches for 74 yards with a touchdown. You followed that up with seven catches for 78 yards with no scores over your next two games. You have been extremely average and even more frustrating, and the only thing that makes it better is knowing the only Coby of note is Kobe Bryant, and here’s your BITCHSLAP!!!









C.J. I know that things did not go well for you with the injury, but this is still based on your performance during Weeks 5-7. Before your season ended you had your best game of the season with 16 carries for 107 yards and a touchdown in Week 7. Unfortunately the two prior weeks were weak with a total of 21 carries for 78 yards. Had you not gotten hurt you might not have been here, but it is what it is and what it is is a BITCHSLAP!!!



Eddie you only made through two games in this stanza, but you failed to rush for a 100 yards or score a touchdown in either game.  You were supposed to be a dominating back in a dominating offense, and instead were just a guy on an average offense. Your owners take offense to that and demand justice with a BITCHSLAP!!!



Mark you had one of the more pathetic stanzas of any player this time around. In the three games you played you had 35 carries for 118 rushing yards and six catches for 29 yards with one touchdown and two fumbles. Your fumbles in Weeks 7 and 8 cost you playing time and your owners wins. With Drew Brees and the receivers surrounding you, much more is expected, and you should’ve been expecting this BITCHSLAP!!!






Demaryius you did score a touchdown in two of the four games this stanza, but you did not have a 100-yard game, and actually had 49 or fewer yards in three of the four games with a high yardage game of 79 yards. Those numbers are not desirable, and the touchdowns are the only thing that has made starting you bearable. We don’t want bearable on our teams, and we greet bearable with a BITCHSLAP!!!



Jordy you did have a touchdown in Weeks 5 and 8, but you did not gain enough yards to avoid my wrath. You had a total of 209 receiving yards and 94 of those came in Week 8. The most disturbing stat of this period is that you had a total of 14 catches in four games. You were the player that owners were stashing in their leagues at the end of last season, and these are the types of games you reward them with? Let me reward you with your BITCHSLAP!!!



Marvin you set the fantasy world on fire to start the season, and there were many owners who made trades for you, but the only owners feeling good are the sellers. That is because you had a total of 13 catches for 174 yards, although you did catch two touchdowns. The only problem with those scores is that they came in games where you had 37 and 10 receiving yards. So, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin…what’s going on? What’s going on? What’s going on is a BITCHSLAP!!!



The first four weeks of the season were magic for you Will, and it seemed like you were primed to have an amazing rookie season, and then came your three games in this stanza. You totaled a dreadful six catches for 49 yards with a high water mark of four catches for 22 yards in Week 7. You are a rookie who is going to have ups and downs, so it is best you learn what happens when a lot is expected and you don’t deliver…I deliver your BITCHSLAP!!!






Travis you almost saved your skin with you breakout game in Week 8 when you caught seven passes for 101 yards with a score, but your two previous outings needed a bit more than that to save you. In those two games you had 32 and 24 receiving yards with no scores. You were a coveted tight end during the draft, but you have been a whole lot of “meh” to this point. Let’s hope you build on your Week 8 success, or you will be back for another BITCHSLAP!!! 




By: Houdini


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