March 26, 2019

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Houdini has been bitchslapping underperforming fantasy football players since 1994

Bitchslap!!! Installment 2 of 4 (2017)

Posted by Houdini on 11/22/17

by   The Archer


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Installment 2 of 4



Time has passed in fantasy and there are plenty of players that let their owners down in this second stanza between Week’s 5-8. It is time to take these players to the woodshed and let them have it for letting their owners and fantasy teams down during this stretch. Without further ado, let’s get into this second installment.







Derek you were just as aweful in the second stanza as you were in the first. You only completed 81 of 131 passes for 901 yards with five touchdowns and four interceptions. You were supposed to be a top 5 quarterback this year, and you have not been in the top five in any week. You have derailed most of the fantasy teams that drafted you, so it is my pleasure to run you over with this freight train BITCHSLAP!!!



Matt, you only played in three games during this stanza, but they fell way short of expectations. You ended up throwing for 735 yards with four touchdowns and one interception, but you just go by in all your games. You failed to throw for more than 254 yards in any game, and have become a completely ordinary quarterback. Ordinary quarterbacks don’t win fantasy championships, they get a BITCHSLAP!!!






Christian, you showed some growth during these four weeks, but you still have a long ways to go to get out of my crosshairs. In these four games you carried the ball 18 times for only 28 yards with no touchdowns. Your only saving grace was your ability as a receiver, catching 27 of 37 targets for 172 yards and two touchdowns. That is a mere 4.44 yards per touch, and that is that kind of average that will lose you touches going forward. There is one touch that you have managed to do better than any other, and you are still in the running to touch them all with your second welcome to the NFL BITCHSLAP!!!



Jay, you were supposed to be a top running back this year, but you have failed to deliver on those promises. You finished this frame with 87 carries for 281 yards and caught nine passes for 46 yards, but you failed to find the endzone and lost a fumble. You did most of your damage in one week with 130 rushing yards against Atlanta but failed to make any waves in the other games. You had three 200-yard games last year, and now can barely get to that level in four games. That earns you the underachieving double down BITCHSLAP!!!



Joe, you have been an extreme disappointment all season, and while you only played in three games during this period, your trend continued. You carried the ball 33 times for 117 yards with one touchdown, which is a paltry 3.5 YPR. You did much better as a receiver with six catches for 111 yards without a touchdown, but you did add a fumble. You show a glimpse here and there of what you can be, but the reality is that you have a well-earned and deserved second BITCHSLAP!!!



Marshawn you are a player that never found yourself on my lists when you were a member of the Seahawks, but that is not case as a member of the Raiders. In these three games you carried the ball 27 times for a mere 115 yards with one touchdown and only added one reception for 10 yards. You have been a one-dimensional player this year, and that one dimension is connected to your second BITCHSLAP!!!



Eddie, you have taken the place of Marshawn Lynch in the Seahawks offense, but it seems like the two of you are playing like twins this year. You had 32 carries in this period and only managed 73 yards and caught two passes for 18 yards. That would be a decent total for a game, but as a three game total is pure disaster. Since no one is starting you anymore, let me send you to the waiver wire with your second BITCHSLAP!!!






Julio this was supposed to be a bounce back breakout year for you, and instead it has been a heartbreak year for your owners. In these three games you were targeted 26 times and caught 18 of them for 245 yards with one touchdown. You have not the been the dominator that wins weeks for your owners by your stats alone, instead you are the reason they are losing games. This season you are on your way to Bust status, but in the meantime here’s your second BITCHSLAP!!!



Dez, you have been a completely ordinary wide receiver this season, and while you were able to score two touchdowns during the three games you played in this stanza, they were not enough to keep you from my wrath. You only caught 16 passes for 154 yards, with a high game of 63 yards. You are not a WR1 anymore, you are barely a WR3 or flex option, but you are the proud owner of another BITCHSLAP!!!



DT, you also only played in three games, and it looked like you might avoid me this go around with your 10 catches for 133 yards against the Giants, but then the next two weeks happened. You only managed seven catches for 75 yards with a fumble and failed to find the endzone. In fact you have failed to find the endzone through this point in the season, but you have found your second BITCHSLAP!!!



DJAX, you have yet to hit big in any week this season, and it seems as if you have lost a step. You were targeted 31 times, but only caught 16 passes for 254 yards with one touchdown in these four games. You are doing just enough to not get dropped, but I have a feeling you might drop to your knees after this BITCHSLAP!!!



Well, what is there to say except that you may have been one of the worst draft picks that owners made this season. In this period you caught eight passes for 51 yards with no touchdowns in three games. You should be dropped in all leagues, and I am going to make sure you are dropped with this crybaby, trade me I am better than JuJu BITCHSLAP!!!



Hey Terrelle, I see you over there laughing at what I just did to Martavis, but you are an even bigger disaster. Your owners wished that they had the Martavis Bryant numbers, as you only managed five catches for 37 yards, including a zero-catch game. You have been a zero all season, and now you can be less than zero with another BITCHSLAP!!!






Jordan, you only played in three games during this stretch and you had a nice performance in Week 7 with eight catches for 64 yards with two touchdowns. Unfortunately, you only had five catches for 42 yards total in the other two games. You have been totally inconsistent, and oft-injured, probably from getting another BITCHSLAP!!!



When you look at your numbers on the whole for this period they don’t look horrible, with 22 receptions for 162 yards and two touchdowns. Although, you failed to reach 50 yards in any game, and those touchdowns just kept your stats above water. I am happy you are treading water, but get ready for a deeper dip after your second BITCHSLAP!!!



Martellus, your stats this year are as mythical as the Black Unicorn you claim to be. You played in three games this period and managed seven receptions for 92 yards with no touchdowns. You talk a big game, but your talk has materialized into losses for your owners, making you the proud owner of your second BITCHSLAP!!!






Hey Dini, what the hell is wrong with you??? It takes you right up until the next BITCHSLAP!!! is due before you give us installment 2??? Hey douchebag, stop making excuses and hit your damn deadlines, and enjoy your first BITCHSLAP!!!






Jameis, the Bucs have been horrible this season, and you have been a big part of that failure. In this stanza, you threw for 989 yards with four touchdowns and three interceptions in four games. The worst part is that three of your touchdowns came in one game, which means your other three games were shit. You were supposed to make the ascension to the top tier of fantasy quarterbacks, but all you ended up with is a BITCHSLAP!!!



Drew, the Saints and running and rolling, but your fantasy production has been abysmal. In these three games you threw for 816 yards with three touchdowns and four interceptions. You only had one 300-yard game, and had one game with less than 200 yards. You are supposed to be easiest money when it comes to fantasy quarterbacks, but this year you have been worth pocket change, and are now the owner of a BITCHSLAP!!!



Eli, you played in three games this period and they are games your owners would like to forget, if you are even still owned in fantasy. You threw for 487 yards with four touchdowns and one interception. The touchdown to interception ratio is good, but you threw for fewer than 135 yards in two of the games, with a high yardage mark of 225 yards. You have not been worth a bench spot this year, but you are getting a BITCHSLAP!!!






Devonta, you have been a fantasy dynamo since coming into the league, but you were definitely not yourself during this time frame. You had 33 carries for 181 yards and six catches for 49 yards but scored no touchdowns. This is not the type of performance owners were expecting when they drafted you in the first round. Time to get your shit together after this BITCHSLAP!!!



C.J., you played in three games this stanza, but you might as well have just stayed in the locker room. You carried the ball 34 times for 139 yards and caught two passes for 24 yards with no touchdowns. You can’t be counted on to give your owners the points they need to win games, but you can count on this BITCHSLAP!!!



Ameer, you basically disappeared during this period. You had 35 carries, but only gained 112 yards with no touchdowns. To make matters worse you only had four receptions for 14 yards, again with no touchdowns. So for those owners who suffered through these weeks playing you, it is my pleasure to tee you up for your BITCHSLAP!!!






Brandin, you were ok during this stretch, but that was all you were, just ok. In four games you caught 20 passes for 269 yards with just one touchdown. You have failed to be the impact receiver you were when you were a Saint, and your owners are wishing for days past. To help with that wish I am going to send you back to better ways with this pick me up BITCHSLAP!!!



Alshon, you have not made the impact that owners were counting on when you moved from the Bears to the Eagles. In this period you were targeted 28 times, but only caught 11 passes for 201 yards with a touchdown. The way you are going your owners can’t count on you. You have one of the best young quarterbacks in game, who is having an MVP type season, and then here you are getting a BITCHSLAP!!!



Larry, you are one of the greatest receivers of all time, but you looked quite average over this time frame. You were only targeted 24 times and caught 19 of them for 218 yards with a touchdown and a fumble. We know you still have a lot of good football left, so it’s time to find that groove, and maybe you will get some help from your BITCHSLAP!!!



Doug, you have been a fantasy stud as an unknown commodity, but now that everyone is aware of you and drafted you higher, you are letting them down. You only had 19 catches for 183 yards with one score during this stanza. This is not the volume of work your owners are used to, and not the type that gets wins…rather the type that gets a BITCHSLAP!!!



Keenan, you completely disappeared during this four-week stretch. You were targeted 33 times, but only caught 16 of those targets for 214 yards with no touchdowns. That is not going to get it done in standard or PPR leagues. It doesn’t matter what type of league you are in, when you put up this type of production you get a BITCHSLAP!!!



Well Michael, it is not a surprise to see you here, after already lighting up your quarterback. Although, you were even worse than Drew Brees as you only caught 17 passes for 170 yards with no touchdowns. There have not been the big power weeks that you gave owners last year, but you did earn a big powerful BITCHSLAP!!!



Jordy, I know you don’t have Aaron Rodgers anymore, but that doesn’t mean you should stop giving your owners any production at all. In three games you totaled nine catches for 97 yards with a touchdown. That used to be an average game for you, but these poor performances are becoming too normal for your owners. Is the old Jordy still hanging out in black and white by that tree in Kansas? If so maybe you will come back after this BITCHSLAP!!!



Randall, apparently you did not want to let Jordy get all the fury because you were even worse than him during this period. You also only caught nine passé, but you only gained 72 yards without a touchdown. Seems like this is not the year to expect big fantasy points from Green Bay, but rather a bevy of BITCHSLAP!!!






Delanie, you have been the model of consistency over the past few seasons, but this section of the schedule was not kind to you. You played in three games and finished with 14 catches for 105 yards with no touchdowns and a fumble. You were held under 30 yards in two of your games, and have become a non-factor in the Titans passing offense. There is definitely one thing that is not passing you by, and that is your BITCHSLAP!!!



Jason, it appears that you are at the end of a long and successful career, but that success is not following you to the end. In this period you had 15 catches for 146 yards with a touchdown and a fumble. While those are not atrocious numbers, they are not good enough for the owners that started you. The big play is gone from your game, so I guess we’ll just have to make a big splash with your BITCHSLAP!!!





Houdini hanging on fire


By: Houdini


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