April 23, 2019

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Judge houdini is back with Installment 3 of the Bitchslap!!! article!

Bitchslap! Installment 3 of 4 (2016)

Posted by d-Rx on 12/14/16

by   The Archer


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We are now into the fantasy playoffs, and there are many teams that missed out on playing for a championship. This installment is dedicated to those chumps that ruined your playoff run.









Hey Fitz! You have been an abomination all season, and though you only started two games during this crucial stretch and you failed with a total of 463 passing yards, three touchdowns and two interceptions. You have a veteran laden team with good players at the skill positions, but you keep crashing the car. You also crashed a lot of playoff hopes, and for that I get the pleasure of delivering your third, but most likely not last BITCHSLAP!!!





Gurley you have been put in a tough situation this season, but you have yet to overcome your obstacles. In these four games you carried the ball 66 times for 238 yards with one touchdown and added 783 yards on nine receptions. The problem was that your high total yard game was just 89 yards. You have played hard all season, but your stats make you look like a girly man, so now it is time to PUMP, YOU UP! BITCHSLAP!!!





Marshall you were all kinds of horrible during this period. You played in three games, and the first two were just awful, with 46 yards against the Dolphins, and 15 yards against the Rams. You caught six passes for 67 yards with a score in Week 12, but that is still not a great game, and thus the damage was done to your owners playoff hopes. You have never made the playoffs in your career, and you busted your owners this year. I am just going to bust you up with this BITCHSLAP!!!



Alshon you only played in one game, and in that game you only caught four passes for 47 and were held out of the endzone. Then you went ahead and got suspended for using a banned PED. You are on a Franchise Tag and are playing for a big contract…how stupid can you be??? You crushed your owners and forced them to make trades because you weakened their rosters. Now I am going to weaken your knees with your BITCHSLAP!!!



JB words can’t describe just how bad you have been and these three games were the icing on the worst cake ever made. You caught a total of three passes for 49 yards in three games. Let me say that again, you caught just three passes for 49 yards TOTAL in three games. That is a bad game for most receivers, but you took it to another level. You were likely already on the bench, but you completely earned the perfect topper to your turd cake, BITCHSLAP!!!



Hey Michael I heard you laughing over there in the corner while I was dealing and John Brown, and want to know what makes you think your shit don’t stink? You did have a 100-yard game in Week 10, but you followed that up with games of 21 and 31 yards without a touchdown in any game. Your total of nine catches for 153 yards is not enough to escape my wrath, and don’t laugh at others…BITCHSLAP!!!





Coby it has been an up and down season for you, but there have been a lot more downs than ups. That was the case for you once again in this stanza, catching 12 passes for 144 yards with one touchdown. You had 59 yards in your best game, and in the game where you scored you managed a meek 17 yards. They say the meek shall inherit the earth, but you only inherit a BITCHSLAP!!!









Rawls you returned from injury and had your owners excited that you would be there to help them make their playoff push, but you pushed many of them over the edge. In two games you carried the ball 26 times for 95 yards, with 31 yards on three receptions. Your 38 yards in Week 12 did everyone in, and you failed to find the endzone. Try not to miss any games after your BITCHSLAP!!!





DT you had a strong game in Week 10 with eight catches for 87 yards and a touchdown, but were completely average in your other three games, with a total of 10 catches for 116 yards and no touchdowns. You are supposed to be a pillar of strength for fantasy at the wide receiver position, but you have not delivered for your owners, but here is your second special delivery BITCHSLAP!!!



Brandin we have come to expect a lot more than the trash you gave your owners during this stretch. You caught 15 passes for 206 yards with a touchdown in four games, but you laid a freaking goose egg in Week 12, and that was on the heels of a paltry 42-yard performance the week before. You are supposed to be a big part of the Saints high-flying offense, but the only thing flying high around you is a BITCHSLAP!!!



Amari, your Raiders have been the talk of the league this year, and you have had your moments where you have shined, but this stanza was not one of them. Week 11 was your highpoint with 57 yards and a touchdown. You followed that up with 22 yards the next week and totaled just 135 yards in three games. Those are not the numbers that power your owners into the playoffs. If they are still lucky to be in the playoffs maybe you will be motivated after your second BITCHSLAP!!!





Gronk you only played in two games before injury knocked you out, but you have taken a bunch of knock out hits season. You caught three passes for 56 yards against Seattle before being blasted by Earl Thomas, and then were targeted twice in Week 12 before leaving the game without a catch. It was a tough year, and really tough for your owners. As you head toward the offseason, let me send you on your way with a BITCHSLAP!!!



Gary your owners thought there might be a chance that you would come alive to help send them to the playoffs once Josh McCown came back under center, but it was a false prophecy. In four games you caught just seven passes for 65 yards with a touchdown. That score could not cover up just how miserable you were during this stretch. 23, 8, 11, and 23 were the yards you put up during these four games. There is nothing left to say but BITCHSLAP!!!









Luck you only played in two games, but totaled just 543 passing yards with three touchdowns and three interceptions against two weak opponents in the Packers and Titans. You should be bringing more to the table at this crucial juncture of the season, so I am bringing more to get you going in the playoffs with this motivational BITCHSLAP!!!





Devonta you have been putting up big numbers all season and gave it your best to avoid this slap with your two touchdowns in Week 12, but alas they were not enough. In three games you had 45 carries for just 186 yards and caught eight passes for 77 yards. That is not the killer production that you gave your owners last season, and you instead ended seasons for your owners this year. For that you have earned your first ever BITCHSLAP!!!



Jeremy you have been a frustrating player all year, but you have managed to do just enough to avoid getting on my list, until now. You had 43 carries for only 129 yards with a score, and 63 yards on eight catches in three games. The touchdowns have been the only thing saving you, but you needed a whole lot more than one to save you from this BITCHSLAP!!!





Kelvin you have been very similar to Jeremy Hill by being just good enough to avoid my backhand, but totaling just 269 yards with one score on 29 catches in four games is not enough for a top-tier receiver that you claim to be. Touchdowns are the key to success for you, and one in four games is not getting it done. So now it is time for me to show you a top-tier BITCHSLAP!!!



Crabtree you are said to have some of the best hands in the league, which is why I can’t understand watching you drop touchdown passes during this stanza. In three games you were putrid, totaling a mere 142 yards on 13 receptions. You had 110 yards in Week 12 and garbage the rest of the way with no touchdowns. Well the only thing I am dropping is the hammer and you will touchdown after this BITCHSLAP!!!





Gronk has been hurt and the door has been wide open for a Black Unicorn to come busting through, but instead your owners got a My Little Pony. In three games you caught 11 passes for a paltry 138 yards with no touchdowns. You have Tom Brady throwing you the ball and no Gronk and you still can’t get it done. You leave no choice but for me to get it done with your BITCHSLAP!!!




By: Houdini


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