March 26, 2019

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Houdini has been bitchslapping underperforming fantasy football players since 1994

Bitchslap!!! Installment 3 of 4 (2017)

Posted by Houdini on 12/13/17

by   The Archer


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Installment 3 of 4


We are in the fantasy playoffs now, and there are many of you who did not make it to the playoffs, and others who squeaked into the playoffs because they had these chumps on their rosters. We have a lot of guys that aiming for the Golden Sombrero BITCHSLAP!!! So, let’s take a deeper look at those jerks that ruined your run to the title and give them a good old BITCHSLAP!!!







You only played in three games during this period, and while your stats were not horrible, they were not great and kept you out of the top 12. You had two games with 253 or fewer passing yards, and threw four touchdowns with two interceptions over three games. That is not going to get your owners any wins, and you were a favorite pick by many in drafts this year. You have failed time and again, and once again you have earned your third BITCHSLAP!!!






This is just a sad fate for fat Eddie. There is no one that drafted you that still has you. You are only being started in 2% of leagues. You have no game left, as evidenced by your 26 carries for 68 yards and four catches for 29 yards with no touchdowns in three games. You are a guarantee for the GSBS!!!, but until then here is #3 BITCHSLAP!!!



Jay, you started off this stanza looking good by scoring a touchdown in Week 9, but you are not giving the yardage and consistent scoring to be counted on as advertised. I know you are in a crowded backfield, but when you only get 20 carries and two receptions over three games you know what is coming next…BITCHSLAP!!!






Martavis, you have been petulant all season, and you have frustrated the hell out of your owners. You missed Week 9 and then when you get the chance to play, you gain 42, 30 and 40 yards with one touchdown. Where is the big play? Where are the highlights? Your hair might have some highlights after your third BITCHSLAP!!!



Dez, you have been a total bust this year, and this frame was more of the same for your owners. Your high yardage game was 73 yards, and you had two games with fewer than 40 yards. Ohh, I almost forgot, you had no touchdowns either. You have been a waste of space on fantasy rosters, and have cost your owners all season long. This is a well-earned and deserved third BITCHSLAP!!!



DJax, you and Dez are very similar. Your high yardage game was 82 yards, but you had two games with fewer than 30 yards. You did manager to score a touchdown, but that was only fools gold when you total 195 yards over four games. The flash is gone in your game, but the flash is strong with my BITCHSLAP!!!






Martellus, you can consider yourself lucky that you will be exempt from the GSBS!!! due to your season ending injury, but before the injury you did nothing and here we are. In the two games you played you totaled six catches for 53 yards with no touchdowns. For all the talk at the beginning of the year of how you were going to be a top tight end in fantasy, we now have the definitive answer in your third BITCHSLAP!!!








Eli, this has been a horrible season for you and after this stanza you saw your iron man streak come to an end thanks to your coach and GM. You threw for 811 yards with four touchdowns and two interceptions over four games, but your last two you threw for 318 yards with an interception. I teed up your brother at the end of his career, could the end for you be in the form of a BITCHSLAP!!!



Drew, you have been a fantasy darling for more than a decade, but you have been the ugly duckling for the owners that drafted you. You did have a monster game in Week 11, throwing for 385 yards with two touchdowns and one interception, but you only averaged 231 passing yards per game in the other three games with only three touchdown passes. The lack of touchdowns is the most concerning for your owners, and your ultimate fantasy failure this year. Those fantasy failures lead to another BITCHSLAP!!!






Shady, your performance during this period was down right shady. You started the stanza with a blistering 25 rushing yards on 12 carries against the Jets and were held under 80 total yards in three games with only two touchdowns to your credit. One good game out of every four is fantasy fool’s gold, crushing fantasy championship dreams, so it’s time to crush you with another BITCHSLAP!!!



C.J., you were just terrible during this stretch. Your high yardage game was 54 yards, and you only managed 116 yards rushing over four games with one touchdown and one fumble. Playing you is like buying a fine steak dinner and as soon as you finish throwing up all over the table. I’m sure that we will meet again in four weeks, but until then suck on your BITCHSLAP!!!






Jordy, this is pretty simple, all I have to do is say 35, 20, 24 and 11. Those were your game totals during this period. I don’t care who is at quarterback, that production or lack thereof sucks. How far the mighty have fallen, and you fell right into your second BITCHSLAP!!!



Amari, you played in three games during this stanza and you scored two touchdowns…good for you. Unfortunately, you only caught eight passes for 95 yards in those three games, and those are not the type of yardage totals your owners are looking for. You score like a utility redzone tight end, and that gets you your second BITCHSLAP!!!






Jason, you did a good job by converting your 16 targets into 16 receptions during this period, but you only managed 115 yards with no touchdowns. Without Zeek you were supposed to be one of the players that was going to step up their stats. Instead you stepped up to another BITCHSLAP!!!








Marcus, you did not have a good stanza, throwing for 972 yards with five touchdowns and eight interceptions. You threw an interception in every game, and highlighted that with four interceptions in Week 11. That is not the consistency that your owners were looking for, and you had them looking for other quarterbacks, which is a surefire sign you are in line for a BITCHSLAP!!!



Dak, you were supposed to show how you could carry the team while Ezekiel Elliott served his suspension, but you have only shown that you are not ready to lead on your own. In these four games you threw for 749 yards with two passing touchdowns, two rushing touchdowns with five interceptions. The worst part is that three of your four touchdowns all came in Week 9. That disaster you gave you owners led to your first ever BITCHSLAP!!!






Melvin, you only played in three games during this stretch, and you failed to deliver the knockout punch your owners were looking for. You had 57 carries and only managed 172 yards with one touchdown, and only added eight receptions for 38 yards. Those stats most likely cost your owners wins, and earned you the not there when it counts BITCHSLAP!!!



Leonard, you played in three games during this period, and while you rushed for 111 yards in Week 11, you totaled 58 rushing yards in the other two games and failed to find the endzone. You were dominating the fantasy world before this stretch, but now you can find out what it is like to get dominated with your first ever BITCHSLAP!!!



Kareem, you started off the season with guns a blazin’, but you were shooting blanks during this stretch. You played in three games and managed a total of 164 yards on 46 touches with no touchdowns. Early on this season you seemed like a runaway winner for the rookie of the year award, but this run of poor fortune means that you may be more likely to get a different award, so I am proud to present you with your BITCHSLAP!!!



Doug, you were just plain awful during these four games, and your stat line is cringe worthy. You carried the ball 54 times for 129 yards, and caught two passes for six yards. That is less than 40 yards per game, and of course you didn’t score a touchdown. You have not been a fantasy factor since returning, and that gets you a BITCHSLAP!!!






Crabby Cakes, you played so bad that a case of crabs would have been better than starting you during this period. You managed only nine catches for 91 yards in three games; thankfully for your owners you had a bye so they had to start someone else. Your poor play was highlighted by the donut you posted in Week 12, so now the best highlight for your owners is seeing you get this BITCHSLAP!!!



Mike, you were one of the best fantasy receivers last year, but that is a distant memory for your owners this year. In this stanza you were miserable, catching only 12 of 28 targets for a putrid 183 yards with no touchdowns. That used to be a one game total for you, not a four-game span. You have yet to step up and take care of business this year, so that means it is time for me take care of business by supplying you with your BITCHSLAP!!!



Emmanuel, you saw a good amount of targets (32) during this span, but you only caught 12 of them for 194 yards and did not find the endzone. You did at least do some damage in Week 10 with 137 yards, but that means you only managed 57 yards in the other three. That is a recipe for a BITCHSLAP!!!



Stefon, you started out the season with a bang and then missed a couple games, and were able to play in three games during this period. You have given way to Adam Thielen, and that was proven with you only getting 18 targets, catching 13 of them for 176 yards with one touchdown. The Vikings are rolling, but your fantasy owners may be reeling because of your numbers, so it is my duty to send you reeling with a BITCHSLAP!!!



Randall, you also have a lot of reasons why your numbers are not what they should be, but I don’t care for excuses. You caught 15 passes for 202 yards with a touchdown, but did not have a game with 60 or more yards. That puts you into the realm of mediocre fantasy receiver, and the receiver of a BITCHSLAP!!!



A.J., you were a first round pick in just about every league this year, and you have failed to give your owners a return on their investment. In these four games you totaled 15 receptions for 237 yards with two touchdowns. You also got kicked out of a game with only six yards, and had 66 and 50 yards in the other two. Normally you win your owners games with your performance alone, but during this period you cost your owners seeding or the playoffs, and that gets you a BITCHSLAP!!!






Austin, you started to come and seemed like you would be a player owners could trust in their playoff runs…they were wrong. You caught 14 passes for 122 yards with one touchdown and topped 40 yards just once during this stanza. You have yet to climb to the next level of fantasy tight end, but you did just get your first BITCHSLAP!!!





Houdini hanging on fire


By: Houdini


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Houdini hanging on fire


By: Houdini


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